Thank you so much to my readers of The Ladybug Blog! I thought that the last time I wrote an entry would be the beginning of a comeback. However, life got lifey! There were other events that the universe had in mind for me. As a result, I stopped writing for a couple of months. Let’s catch up!
I would like to begin by saying that even though my life throughout the last two months has looked difficult to outsiders, I truly feel incredibly grateful. First, I am alive! I was not sure I was going to be able to say that recently. I’ve had two stays on hospital medical floors, and a stint in physical therapy/occupational therapy rehab between the two hospitalizations. Thankfully, I am now typing to you from my home apartment again. I have been placed on strict bedrest by my team of medical doctors, and my friends and family are reinforcing the importance of the rest.
So, with these difficulties, why am I feeling blessed instead of worn down? I truly feel that my life is a gift. Yes, I live with multiple chronic illnesses which have recently been in flares. But I realized how fleeting life can be as I lay in a hospital bed hooked up to heart monitors, oxygen, liquids, breathing treatments, and various IV medications. All I could think about was that I did not want to die. I have so much more to accomplish in this life, and I would never want to leave my family and friends. Life is such a precious gift!!
Perhaps I sound a bit stereotypical! The hospital patient faced with death who comes around to loving life even more. However, that is truly how I feel. God is Good, and I will praise Him for every moment left that I have on this earth. I savor my family and friends who have supported me so lovingly throughout these past months. Thank you! Also, thank you to my incredible professional support team, both medical doctors and mental health practitioners. In addition, I’ve had some truly wonderful hospital staff and PT/OT rehab staff. And my church family that has been concerned about my wellbeing are incredible. I feel held in prayer in a way that I have never experienced before in my life. There has not been a single moment that I have felt alone. I must also state that I firmly believe that God sent some of my “Team” from beyond. These are loved ones that have already passed and remain my guardian angels. It has taken a village to keep me surviving, and I do not take it for granted. Thank you to all, I am the luckiest girl ever!
Now to the title of this piece, the ‘ber months as they are often called on social media memes. September has flown by for me with the events I just described. But this is my favorite time of year, and I am determined to enjoy it. Perhaps it will look different in 2026, as I will be mostly convalescing in bed. I have my bed facing two windows in my apartment, and I love watching the leaves fall to the ground. The colors of the trees as they begin their journey towards winter always make me happy. In addition, the alternating crisp cool sunny days and windy rainy afternoons makes New England weather interesting. I have discovered a new seasonal Starbucks iced latte that I truly think is my favorite coffee drink ever! And let’s not forget that my birthday is October 25, making me both a Halloween baby and a Scorpio. What could be better? Well, maybe Christmas. The holiday with family traditions I look forward to the most.
I am blessed that even as life is getting harder all over the world, I still live a completely luxurious existence. I have good food, wonderful warm shelter, nice clothes, electricity, enough money to get by, and most of all a loving community around me. Yes, recently life has thrown me multiple curved balls. I will admit that there have been a few tears and desperate prayers. But I refuse to feel sorry for myself or let my struggles get me down. Again, God is Good, and I want to stay alive long enough to serve Him and thank Him.
Dear readers, please be patient with me as I re-enter my writing world while recovering from my health difficulties. I have a BIG announcement planned for the next blog entry, The Ladybug #50, so please keep your eyes alert for that soon! And remember, even in the scariest and darkest of times, there is always always a light. Keep your heart open, and God will Bless you.
Welcome Readers of The Ladybug Blog! Here are some important updates! First, I took a break from social media and daily writing. This was a much-needed rest time due to physical illness and mental exhaustion. In western first world society we are encouraged to hustle, and rest is looked down on. However, taking a break is also a luxury that many in this world are never afforded. I do not take the blessing of stepping away lightly. I am thankful to recharge and now…come back!
Second, I will be typing away again now, and I hope to return to regular blog and Substack posts. Please check back frequently at the links in my bio! In addition, this is the 48th post of The Ladybug Blog. I have decided to make a major announcement for the 50th post with some exciting news that readers will NOT want to miss out on! Look out for that coming soon!
Third, I would like to share in this post about a new goal of mine. Throughout my time writing for The Ladybug Blog, I have frequently discussed my love of walking for charity causes. Well, I have had to slow down in recent months. My physical health has been a barrier to achieving mileage and physical fitness. But I have addressed my need for healthy exercise with my professional care team. With their help, I am being guided in ways to return to being “in shape.”
With a view to health and social justice causes, I have signed up for the Abby’s House 50th Anniversary Hybrid Virtual 5K Walk in mid-October 2026! Raising funds to support Abby’s House is a deeply personal cause for me. Abby’s House is a shelter and safe place for abused women and children located in Worcester, MA. Domestic violence is a cruelly all too common occurrence in relationships. Abby’s House provides a safe landing for women to save and re-start their lives. I cannot emphasize enough how important their work is!
Now, your turn! There are two ways that you can support me! You can directly help Abby’s House by sponsoring me for this walk at the following link:
To gain assistance from Abby’s House for yourself or a friend/family member, you can visit Get Help | Abby’s House
Finally, you can aid me by reaching out to offer a friend for me to go on a training walk with, followed by an iced coffee or iced matcha green tea latte! I have approximately 3 months to get physically ready to walk a 5K after an extended period of doctor enforced bed rest. It is going to be hard for me! But I am determined. If you are feeling extra generous, you can meet both of my requests for help. I appreciate your support. Let’s Go!
Blessings and Sunshine, G.
Here are some pictures from the beginnings of my training:
Today’s post is going to be both controversial and personal. The topics involve a discussion on sex and sexism. I was inspired to write about these thoughts by Taylor Swift’s song entitled “The Man.” The song is from her album “Lover” and discusses the double standard placed on women in the USA with regards to manly behaviors. This includes themes such as sexuality, partying, career moves etc. The basic idea of the song is that certain behaviors are accepted and celebrated for men, while women are shamed for the same behaviors. I cannot agree more with this sentiment. I have certainly experienced the burn of society due to my life choices, while being aware that if I was a man, the same choices would make me, “The Man.”
The main examples that I would like to discuss in this post are with regard to my decisions about my romantic life and childbearing years. To begin, I will be 40 years old in 4 months. I am unmarried and have never been married. I usually have a strict policy of never discussing my sex life with anyone, as it is no one’s business. But I will say just enough here to make my point. Men are praised for playing the field, racking up notches on their bed posts, and being independent bachelors. If they never marry, who cares? They are still considered hot and sexy, even if they are aging and single. Meanwhile, as a woman who likes to be single, and is aging, I am called a spinster.
Not only am I a spinster, but my sexual views and behaviors are not celebrated. I am called a slut. For example, I believe that sex outside of marriage is perfectly acceptable. I also believe that sex should be about having fun and feeling good, and I have never had sex with the intention of producing a child. These two views have led me to have my own list of sexual partners and various bachelorette behaviors. If a man gave a similar confessional, at my age, he would be called a silver fox, as well as a praised steadfast bachelor. No problem. However, I clearly have slutty problems. The only time a woman is okay to behave as a bachelorette is at her party right before her wedding.
Yes, one night before marriage, a woman can be bad. Besides that, it’s not accepted in our society. So, what about marriage? I don’t want to get married right now. I have been engaged, and I ended it. I have had a second proposal, and I ended that relationship. In fact, I do not like committed long term relationships. My longest relationships are all only about 6 months. Usually, I make it more like a month before I end it. One time, I even broke up with someone I was supposed to be in a relationship with after 2 weeks. There is only one fictional, or media, character that I can think of that acts in this way and is celebrated by society: Samantha Jones on the TV show Sex and the City. (Played perfectly by the actress Kim Cattrall).
In the show, Samantha liked to have fun, enjoy sex, avoid commitments and relationships, and she never got married. She even enjoyed a sexual experience with a woman. Many people in the religious community have condemned both the show Sex and the City, and Samantha’s character. But if you look at television and movies, there are plenty of MEN who act like Samantha and are heroes among their peers.
Another decision that Samantha Jones made was to never become a mother. This is also my 2nd life choice that, as an aging woman, I am criticized for. I have never wanted to be a mother. I have purposefully never been pregnant. I am an Auntie, and I love my niece and nephew. I am honored to be their Auntie. However, I cannot imagine having a child of my own. It is not my path; a personal decision I made a long time ago. I can honestly say that I have no regrets about not being a mother. I have been a fur baby mother to 3 different cats at varying times, and I loved that experience. I now have a fur baby sibling, my parents’ dog, and I love him dearly. But that is about as far as my maternal feelings go.
Again, for comparison, men are allowed to be childless without guilt or shame. They are not expected to want children and need them to somehow complete them. Women in our society are given the message that having a child is the only way to be a true woman. And religion, especially conservative religions, are a big proponent of this message. I am a progressive Christian. I worship Jesus as my Lord and Savior, while still believing in a liberal lifestyle and political message. Yes, the two sides of that coin can exist together peacefully. I guess that makes me somewhat of a radical, as I have met few fellow progressive Christians in my life. It only makes me much more thankful for the few friends that I have who feel the same way as I do.
To conclude, I feel the need to defend my life decisions regarding sex and motherhood mainly because I am a middle-aged woman living my life the way I want. And I have been judged harshly for these decisions by some. If I were a man, making the exact same decisions at this age, there would be no need to get defensive. Men are much freer to do what they want in this country. If you want a definitive example, let me just point to the White House. We have had two amazing female candidates, and no female president. Fortunately, we are making progress in this society toward more liberal choices for women. I see many more posts on social media by women making the exact same statements that I have conveyed in this article. I am beginning to feel less alone. But we are far from where we should be with women’s rights and freedoms in the USA, and I will keep fighting until I see success. The patriarchy may be ruling now in America, but watch out, women will never be silenced!
Dear readers, today is a difficult day for me personally. I’m going to share some tough news, but don’t worry, I also am going to offer some positive reflections. I just emailed the documents to the university that I have attended since the Fall 2021 semester, to officially withdraw as a student without completing my degree. I am feeling quite sad about this decision. However, I also know in my core that it is the right move at this time in my life. I have been struggling with my physical health increasingly since I arrived home on the evening of Christmas 2024. I faced the tricky option of whether to take just one class in the Spring 2025 semester, which began in January 2025, and I decided to go for it. This turned out to be a mistake.
I began facing worse health challenges in April 2025, and they have lasted right up to today as I lay in bed typing this blog. I took an incomplete in the Spring 2025 class, and I finally finished the course, with a grade of “A,” at the end of January 2026. The deadline for finishing it was February 1st, 2026, and I came dangerously close to receiving a grade of “F” for a late completion. This last course that I took really opened my eyes to how impossible school had become for me. With increasing brain fog and debilitating fatigue, the schoolwork I once loved now felt like torture. I would read the same sentences repeatedly in my textbook, trying to understand the concepts and theories.
Due to the experiences with my final class, and the advice of my doctors, I typed an email to the withdrawal specialist at the university and asked her to help me leave. She sent me the appropriate pages, and as I said, I have now completed them and withdrawn from school. It feels impossible not to experience a certain sense of failure after working so hard on my degree and now not finishing it. However, perhaps these sensations are a little more emotionally charged because I have dropped out of school multiple times due to both mental and physical health. It appears that, at least for now, I can say that I am not going to achieve a bachelor’s degree.
BUT…wait, why do I feel like a failure?! I want to unpack this a bit. God has given me a very strong message through this whole process that He has plenty of work for me to do for His kingdom in this world, and that I have already achieved a great deal. I believe that part of my problem with seeing the word “failure” as a description for my life is due to the expectations of success that the USA society places on its inhabitants. We are told to have Big careers that make a lot of money, and as women, to find marriage partners, have babies, buy houses, own 2 or more cars, and have large bank accounts. This line-up of events all begins with the attainment of a college bachelor’s degree, and then possibly a graduate or even a doctorate degree.
What happens when someone takes a different road? Am I feeling so low right now because I could not achieve what I was supposed to do? I have faced many challenges in my life, struggling with both multiple mental, as well as physical, chronic illnesses. Honestly, just surviving and being alive at 39 years and 7 months old is a huge achievement for me! In addition, I have dedicated my life to doing volunteer work that I feel God calls me towards, especially volunteering for churches. I also spent years volunteering for the local hospital in my hometown, beginning at age 14 and ending when I was in my early 30’s. I value family and friend time, and try to make helping my loved ones a priority.
And then there is writing. This has been a passion for my whole life. I began keeping a journal around age 7, and I still have one to this day. In addition, I have always loved writing assignments in any form, whether for school, church, or personal pursuits. When I was younger, I rode horses and hoped to make that love into a career. Unfortunately, that was not to be, but I think the only thing that I love the same is writing. At the end of December 2024, I began The Ladybug Blog, as a new project for 2025. Now in June 2026, you are reading the 46th post of that endeavor. It has been a joy to create the blog and share my life with my readers! I may even have another big announcement coming soon with regards to my writing, so watch this space for news soon!!
Furthermore, in a devotional of the Methodist guide The Upper Room, I read a post recently that comforted my heart. I felt that God was speaking directly to me. This quote was written by Steve Wakefield, and goes, “Through my small acts, God will do more than I can imagine.” I feel inspired to not belittle myself. My actions matter, large or small. In addition, I just listened to one of the Calm App’s meditations called The Daily Jay by Jay Shetty. He urged the listeners to think of daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and yearly questions that they could ask themselves for reflection and personal growth. Through my experiences today with contemplating school and the American style of hustle and achievements, I believe that my daily and weekly question will be, “Dear God, what small acts can I do to please you today and going forward?” After all, the call on my life as a progressive Christian is to please God and follow His Will for my life. This will be my focus.
The lesson I am walking away with this afternoon is that I am not meant to live for what this world tells me I should do or be. God is my leader. My current prayer after these many thoughts is, “Jesus, guide my path.” I may be feeling disappointed, and a natural let-down with the loss of school, but I have plenty to look forward to in my life. I have plenty to keep me feeling fulfilled and remembering always that God is Good. If you are questioning your worth, dear readers, I suggest you meditate on some of the points in this post and see if you can relax your mind and spirit towards a better place. Life and purpose are about so much more than accomplishments. God loves you, and so do I!
With All My Love, G.
PS I am not sponsored by any of the publications or meditations mentioned in this writing!
Dear readers of The Ladybug, do you ever have days that are intensely stressful and you wonder how to say “Thank You” to God at the end of them? I had one such day today. For personal reasons, to protect others, I cannot outline for you the details of the stressful situations today. Regardless, I will just state that more than one event unfolded that pushed my mind and body to the limits. I am now lying in bed with my laptop and trying to decompress myself. When I started to say “Grace” before my dinner, I realized that I didn’t want to say my usual line at the end of the prayer. This is the usual statement, “Dear God, Thank You for all of the blessings of this life, I praise Your Holy wonderful Name!”
Instead, tonight I felt resentful towards God. I wanted to complain to Him, and frankly, be pissed off. So, I took a deep breath and said my usual prayer statement anyway. A nice f*ck you to the devil, ha-ha! Then, I felt inspired to write this post, because I realized that I am probably not alone with sometimes reacting this way to a bad day.
So, I have decided to tell you what went “right” today. Because I firmly believe that there is always something to thank God for, even if it is just the fact that you are still on the correct side of the grass. However, today I have more than only my life to be thankful for. To name a couple of items: I had a matcha green tea latte AND an iced coffee with oat milk. These are my two favorite drinks of choice. Living in a sober lifestyle and having them both on the same day is a big treat!
Also, I had enough money in my normally small bank account to buy myself a new yoga mat. Recently, yoga has become a major coping skill for me. I had not practiced it consistently for years, and so I began with chair yoga to strengthen my muscles and re-build my skills. Now, I feel ready to tackle more traditional forms of yoga on a floor mat. This was an exciting purchase for me! In addition to being relaxing, I have found yoga to be a form of movement that my physically weak body can manage better than some more intensive workouts for the time being. I am on a slow, but steady, fitness journey after major illness, and this yoga mat is the next step!
Third on my list is the fact that in my new apartment, I have my own washer and dryer for the first time ever! Maybe I am majorly “geeking out” with adulting here and showing my age but not having to share with other apartments or go to Mom and Dad’s house is a big deal! Suddenly, I love doing laundry. Having your own machines is an incredible luxury that most people in middle to upper class USA take for granted, but I have been poor ever since I’ve been on my own as an adult. Therefore, this is a big deal for me, and I am grateful to God.
Finally, and most importantly, one of the professionals who helps me with my mental health showed up for me in a big way today. I am blessed to work with some amazing people who assist me with my disabilities, and having services is also a big blessing. I know many people who “fall through the cracks” of the mental health system. They need services, and could benefit greatly, but they are not connected to the right agencies. I am truly humbled by the amazing people that I have met on my healing journey with mental illness and today was no exception. It was easy to thank God today for this person.
And…there you go! I have just written four paragraphs about the multitude of ways that God was Amazing today! I have thanked God in my heart over again, as I write and realize that I lead a truly wonderful life. If you have a bad day, I encourage you to try the same exercise. Pull out your journal, or a simple paper and pen, and write down anything that you can think of that did go well throughout your day. Your gratitude examples can be small and simple, but I bet you can think of a couple. Remember, God is always Good, He wants to provide a beautiful life for us little humans. When things go wrong, God wants to help us through. Reach out and Thank God, it will turn your mind in the right direction to focus on healing, instead of resentment.
Thank you to you, too, dear readers. My writing blesses me just as much as you, if not more so. I hope I have inspired you to have a peaceful night and find a good release for your own frustrations. Sending Hugs and Love, G.
PS The picture of Sunflowers is in memory of my beautiful Aunt, who loved them.
Dear readers, writing to you in The Ladybug Blog keeps me honest. Tonight I would like to share my appreciation for my friends. And in the name of honesty, I have a confession: I believe that I have been taking my friends for granted. You see, I have a small group of very close friends. I have been blessed to have known most of these friends for over a decade, and in some cases more than two decades. It is interesting, however, how friendships change, shift, and grow as differing phases of adulthood occur.
For example, I have moved twice in the last two years, both times to places that were distant from some of my best friends. And yet, with the gifts of modern technology, I have been able to keep my friendships solid. That’s not to say that I haven’t lost some connections, and I feel a lot of sadness over friendships lost, but I am by no means alone. Zooming, texting, Facebook messaging, all of these are ways that I have still “seen” my friends. In-person gathering has been rarer, but again, it has occurred enough to make me feel supported. I am truly blessed with the wonderful array of smart, talented, compassionate, loving, and faithful women (and a few men) in my life!
Both times that I have moved recently, it was to new towns where I had never visited before. I found making new connections difficult with the first move. I am hoping that this second, most recent move will go better as far as finding meaningful companions. It has been tempting as I sit in my bed alone typing furiously on my keyboard at night to feel lonely and a bit lost in space. Those are the moments when it is most crucial to recall memories and the recent phone calls or texts from my community of people who love me. And truly, what more could I ask for?
I know that I have hinted at failed romantic relationships in previous blogs, and out of respect for my former partners I will never write a tell-all. I would simply like to say that being single (yes, now you know I’m single currently!) while being an independent 39-year-old woman living on her own is no easy task. I am also childfree, as well as fur baby free, at the moment, and so I have no one to snuggle with! Most people in the USA follow a prescribed pattern of dating, get serious, marriage, house and two cars, fur baby, and finally one to three children, and work or become a housewife.
Well, I have taken the road less travelled. I am selective about romantic partners, and though I believe I have met some truly special people in my life, it has never seemed to work out the right way at the right time. In addition, I do not want children or stepchildren. I am a very proud Auntie, and that is the right gift for me! Do I even want to get married someday at this point? I do not know, honestly. So many bad dating experiences have dotted my landscape that I am no longer sure. After a while, a love for independence and freedom takes over, and I feel that it has become harder for someone to catch me. And yet, late at night, there is gnawing loneliness again.
BUT, that is why my friendships are so important! Single people, especially women, need their best girlfriends to keep them going through all the triumphs and failures of life! And I am happy to hear about the lives of my friends; I love to listen to their experiences. I have friends in all walks of life, age, and life situations. I believe that the differences between us make our friendships even stronger because I can learn from my girlfriends. I may never be a mother, but I want to support my friends and their children. I believe that family is a gift in every form it takes. I, personally, value my own family deeply. My parents and I are close, and I endeavor to support them as they change and grow. I have also learned a great deal from my male friends, that there are decent men in the world, and that some men can be kind and treat women well. All my friends form a community that is like family. And I am grateful to God for such a wonderful gift!
Readers of The Ladybug, do yourselves a favor and reach out to a friend after reading my post. Maybe even one that you have not talked to in a while. All of us feel the human condition of loneliness, and existential angst; it is good to know that our little hearts are not alone. God blesses us with friends to share life’s burdens and joys with, go ahead and reach out, you will be glad that you did! And if we are, or were, friends or acquaintances of any kind, I want you to know that you are valued and respected; Thank you for being a part of my story!
I had a therapist quite a while ago that had a great saying: You can visit pity-city, but do not unpack and live there. I believe that recently I have been visiting pity-city, and I am trying to cut the vacation short before I take up permanent residence. You see, this is a dangerous place for me to live because suddenly all my mental and spiritual focus shifts onto me and me alone. It is tempting to obsess over everything that seems to be going wrong in my life and feel sorry for myself, leading of course to the world’s best sulky mood. And the ultimate question…why me? If one’s life is not going as planned or as one would wish it to, pity-city is an obvious destination.
However, I plan to fight this mindset. My bags are packed, and I am leaving pity-city ASAP. So, where is my next stop? I am taking the express train to radical acceptance. To reference therapy again, radical acceptance is a practice I learned from a Dialectical Behavioral Therapist (DBT) during the 2020 pandemic. And to be honest, at first, I really hated the idea. Radical acceptance does not mean that I am saying the unhappy situation is okay and that I approve of it. The practice is also not even saying that I enjoy or like the situation that I am in. Rather, radical acceptance is simply a mindset of overcoming the misery of a life situation by accepting its reality in my life and moving on, so that I can endure the situation with less pain and suffering. I may not like it, but it is what it is.
DBT was created by a mastermind therapist named Dr. Marsha M. Linehan for people with borderline personality disorder, but it can be applied broadly to anyone needing basic life skills in therapy. I, personally, have found it very helpful. DBT also has a mindfulness component that I find refreshing. Over the years, I have used mindfulness meditations to a greater or lesser degree, depending on the situation I found myself in. My mom gifts me the Calm App (Not Sponsored!) every year for Christmas, and I find the guided meditations to be very helpful. Meditating, even for a 10-minute session, can help me practice radical acceptance. When I relax my mind and focus on my breath to steady myself, I have less bandwidth to focus on all my problems…which leads to less focus on self-pity. I highly recommend trying a practice that aids you in stepping outside of your own world of pain and instead brings to reality a world where the imperfect can be accepted as not permanent, and therefore less threatening.
I began DBT group therapy at the young age of 20, but it was not until I was in my 30’s that I really began to appreciate its benefits. I rebelled against the radical acceptance piece, often complaining to my therapist that it seemed impossible. What has changed? I guess with age comes wisdom, because now I can see that the more I ruminate on what is going wrong in my life, the stronger the problem will appear in my mind. Acceptance of a negative situation is a challenge, but ultimately, it takes away the power that the pain has over you. Breath. Be still. And trust in a Higher Power.
I call my Higher Power God, but it can be different for other people, what matters is having a source outside of yourself to rely on and gather strength from. I do not believe that I could have survived without my faith in God. Once I accept a situation that is causing me suffering, I hand it to God, and ask Him to take “the wheel,” and guide my path. I know that I am only a little human, who cannot deal with a complicated life all on my own.
And this is why living in pity-city is such a bad idea. When I am there, I feel separated not only from radical acceptance of my problems but also separated from God. I am sealing myself off from support by dwelling in my misery. Not a smart idea. My hope in sharing these honest reflections is that they might help you, too, dear readers. Nobody has an easy life, we all deal with something, or many somethings. I encourage you to let go of any rumination, accept what may be painful, and hand it to a Higher Power who can provide your soul with relief. My prayer in typing these words is that what I have learned the hard way over the years can be learned by someone else and aid that person to a better and happier life.
Dear readers, can you tell from this photo how I am feeling/doing? Would you say I look great? I took this selfie at the park today…but what about my day can you really understand from the look of the photo? Let’s explore the topic of compliments based on appearance…
I do not wish to seem vain when I say that I have received many positive comments about my physical appearance throughout my lifetime. However, today I want to draw the curtain back and talk honestly about what is often going on under the surface. As I have shared in the past, I struggle with multiple chronic illnesses, both mental and physical. In addition, recently I have had some acute illnesses distressing me as well. So, I consider myself a bit of an expert on the problems associated with getting compliments on “looking great,” while feeling like hell on the inside. Let me give you some examples of what I mean:
First, I have struggled since age 18 with a severe eating disorder. This disorder, which I call ED, has continued for my entire adult life. It has taken many forms and has been visible with many different disordered eating behaviors. Therefore, I have never been able to maintain a stable weight. I am 5’4” tall and have weighed in a range of over a hundred pounds of differences. I have been a size 0 and a size 20 in pants. When I was anywhere from a size 0 to a size 12-14, I still received positive compliments, although I found that the lower the pants size, the more compliments I would acquire. From size 14-20 in pants, I very rarely received any compliments, and was told constantly that I looked “unhealthy” and had “lost control.” What I never told the people who felt free to comment either positively or negatively on my pants size, was that I was either starving myself to be thin, or binging to deal with stress, or purging to try to “fix” my weight gain. In addition, I went through cycles in time when I was over-exercising to control my weight and get positive feedback. I was punishing my body at the gym, just hoping to accomplish another physical appearance goal. Finally, I had to stop visiting gyms, as they became unhealthy environments for me. I understand that this experience of gyms is not true for everyone, just my story’s truth.
Second, my chronic mental health issues such as bipolar disorder and PTSD affected my inner world and still do to this day. I used to wear heavy make-up and heavy perfume and obsess about my fashion choices, all because I did not want anyone to see how depressed I was or how much I was struggling to merely hold it all together emotionally. I would spend hours on my hair, dying it, growing it long, straightening it with a hot iron, all so that I could look like anyone but my natural self. The truth was that in my 20’s I went through a mental storm where I hated myself and I could not get stable. Thankfully, that is no longer the reality of my life. In my late 30’s now, I live on a much more even street, but I still struggle. The mental health issues I have are chronic, and so will never go away. But I do not try to disguise myself anymore with beauty armor. I wear my hair in its natural curls and color, even letting the grey strands creep in, and I wear minimal makeup and feel comfortable in sweatpants and a tank top. I do not hide. I also get a lot less attention from men who want a model for a girlfriend. In the past, partners I have had have asked me to change my appearance for their preferences. My attitude now is…f*ck em! The right type of partner will find me eventually, and whoever they are, I will require them to not ask me to change my appearance, and simply like me for me.
Third, both chronic and acute physical illnesses have plagued me throughout my life. This may be my biggest annoyance. I receive a compliment when inwardly I’m dying from my invisible illnesses. I have what is known in Zebra circles (IYKYK) as the trifecta (hEDS, POTS, and MCAS). These are: Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardic Syndrome, and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, Google them for more info! These are miserable illnesses to live with, and there are few treatments for them. It is all about “lifestyle management.” I may look great but feel terrible and barely standing, not an exaggeration as I sometimes now walk with a cane or walker. I want to make something clear, compliments on my personality or spiritual gifts etc…are welcome. But when my body is aching and I feel physically terrible, and someone assumes that I must be feeling better because I “look great,” that is what upsets me. Please simply ask if my health is better. Do not make a blanket statement that feels as though it dismisses my physical suffering by making a compliment on my appearance.
Finally, you may be thinking that I am a snob for not wanting to accept compliments about my physique. But that is not the problem. I respect and honor that people are only trying to be nice and find something positive to say. I just want, in return, a little more validation for what I struggle with due to my eating disorder, mental illness, and chronic and acute physical illnesses. It somehow feels dismissive to be told that if I can be beautiful, I have won the battle. And I am currently battling hard with all 4 of the problems I just named. If you would like to say something nice, please ask me how I am doing and I am willing to give you an honest answer. I want friends who will listen to me when I struggle. I want a romantic partner who sees me and accepts me for me. I am fortunate to have met some of these types of friends, although I cannot say the same for my romantic history. But stories of dating and soulmates would have to be its own blog post, and it is one that, currently, I am not willing to make public.
I leave you with some thoughts. Try to come up with compliments for your friends and family that are not appearance-based. Compliment their incredible kindness, smarts, bravery, or laughter that makes you laugh…be creative and let your loved ones know that you love them for who they truly are. I, myself, have made appearance comments before as well, and I am pledging right now to reform my ways, won’t you join me?
Dear readers of The Ladybug, today I want to talk honestly about moving. My friend bing.com says upon my search of how stressful moving is that the “Holmes-Rahe Social Readjustment Rating Scale assigns it a stress score of 42.69, ranking it 19th out of 43 life events.” I have included the link here: Bing.com LinkCheck it out for more detailed info! However, I do not need statistics to inform me of the joys and woes of moving because I have now done it so many times myself! But is it that stressful? Read on for my opinions…
Let me take you on a little journey through my life story:
I was born in Brattleboro, VT and for the first 2 years of my life I lived with my Mom and Dad (I am an only child) in Grafton, Vermont. Then we moved for 1 year to Bellows Falls, VT. All I can remember is that it was a very cold winter. My earliest memories are of huddling up to the heating vents in the apartment. Then we moved to Silver Springs, MD. I really hated Maryland. I went from too cold to too hot! Air conditioning was a must! I think the problem is that I am a New England gal and always will be!
Finally, after 3 miserable years in the Maryland heat, my parents and I moved back to New England. We settled in a moderate sized town in Massachusetts when I was 6 years old. This became the place I think of as my hometown, located in central MA, right outside of the city of Worcester. I lived with my parents in our family home, which was a big old Victorian Parsonage provided by the church where my Dad was a pastor. I stayed there until I was 24 years old.
Then came adulting! On August 1, 2011, I moved into my first apartment by myself. However, it was not that much of an independence move because I was still in the same neighborhood that I grew up in. After staying there for only 1 year, I moved to another apartment by myself, still located in the same town. I lived there for 2 and ½ years. You may wonder if this was a case of “failure to launch,” but I struggled a lot in my 20’s with my mental health, and I needed my parents’ support. In addition, I had the support of a case-management agency that I am still a client of to this day. Chronic mental illness can improve, and mine has over time, but it has taken awhile.
I did eventually branch out. When I moved into my 3rd apartment by myself, it was in a new town and neighborhood. My Dad also retired that year. While I was getting all independent, at age 28 now, my parents left me in Massachusetts and moved to their dream home in another New England state. I was very nervous. As I mentioned, I had relied heavily on my parents for support when I was battling my bipolar disorder symptoms throughout my 20’s. This was going to be a true test of whether I could begin adulting in earnest.
I am happy to report that I did pretty well. I made friends and found a wonderful church that became like a family. I also had a sweet cat named Ella, who was my emotional support animal. I stayed in that town and apartment for 5 and ½ years, my longest foray into adulthood yet. I was very content living there. So, why did I eventually leave? Unfortunately, the apartment developed a maintenance issue that the landlords were unwilling to repair, and it began to affect my health negatively. I began an arduous search for a new apartment.
On March 1, 2020, I moved into a new apartment back in my hometown, although in a different neighborhood that I was unfamiliar with. I thought I would get to explore and settle-in, BUT then the world shut down. Covid-19 hit and I was hibernating in my new place, with only my cat Ella for company. Covid-19 hit me hard personally as well. From 2020 to 2023, I had covid-19 three times, and severely each time. Once I ended up in the hospital, and twice I was diagnosed with long covid. I did not do much for three years except lay in my bed, eat, watch TV, and try to care for Ella. I gained 60 pounds. It was certainly a low point in my life.
In early 2023, around February, I decided to take a year off from the University I had been attending online. I focused on my health. I did physical therapy for an extended time and began a long weight loss journey. My church was thankfully still close to this 4th apartment, and so when it re-opened after the shutdown, I started to attend again. Life opened up. I found my joy returning. I thought that I would be stable for a while. Well, I was wrong!
In February 2024, I had no cats anymore after Ella passed, and another kitten had to be re-homed. I became distinctly aware that my parents were aging fast. I asked the director of the case management service (that I have my housing subsidy through) if I could move closer to Mom and Dad’s state line, while remaining in Massachusetts. I knew that my mental and physical health still required me to stay in the best state for care. In May 2024, I got my answer: Yes! They had an apartment for me in Northern MA. Time for apartment number 5! Are you dizzying yet?
This was a hard move. I said goodbye to a lot of dear friends that I still miss today. I left my church that was my family. I left my hometown and moved away the farthest that I had up to that point. But it turned out to be just in time. I was only in my new town and apartment for a couple months when my Mom severely injured herself, and my services were desperately needed. I have a certificate degree from a community college in Nurse Assisting, and it came in handy! Suddenly, for months on end, I was the new caretaker in the family. I went back and forth from my apartment to my parents’ house, helping with every kind of care possible. I was so glad that I could show up for Mom and Dad that way, after all that they had done for me!
Eventually, in the spring of 2025, my Mom was back on her feet, and I was less needed. But then I got sick. In April 2025, I found a tick bite on myself. Soon after I became terribly and seriously ill. I stayed with my parents as the cards flipped once more and they cared for me. That is what family is for.
As I write today, it is May 2, 2026, and I am still sick with those tick-borne illnesses. A full year later and I have not healed. Still on antibiotics and herbal tinctures and supplement pills. I take so many medications! What you may not have foreseen, given what I have said, is that I moved into a new apartment March 31, 2026, that is further from my parents, and where I know nobody! Hello number, 6! Let us hope you stick! I love this new apartment; it is the nicest place I have ever lived, and the neighborhood is great! It was maintenance problems, again, with apartment number 5 that drove me to have to move to this new place. However, I believe it will work out well. I am in a much better situation now, and there is room to flourish! I am quite excited about number 6.
So, from August 2011 to March 2026, I have had 6 apartments by myself. I have to say that I love an independent, child-free life! I will turn 40 years old in October 2026, and I am happy to say that I have few regrets in my living situations. Each place has offered its own adventures and memories. There are some people I miss, but that is the price I pay for being someone who cannot seem to settle down. I have never been married, although I have had 2 marriage proposals, and 1 engagement, which I ended. I have dated and hooked up, but none of my partners to this point have been the right one. And, since age 15, I have known that I did not want to be a mother to anyone other than fur babies. I do not do well with human children; however, I have all the respect in the world for mothers. I view being a mother as the hardest job possible, and I love my friends and their children! It is just not the path for me; it’s a personal choice. I live my life more like a nomad or a gypsy.
To conclude, is moving the most stressful event in my life? Would I rate it super high on a chart? Probably not. The actual physical act of moving is stressful, but I love new places and new people. I am not afraid of change. If I can continue to be social with new people, and not become too isolated, I can adjust. I am also very aware that it is a luxury to be able to move and to have as many opportunities as I have had for stable housing. Homelessness is a reality that can hit anyone, anytime. I have been truly blessed. I view my life as being meant to be lived as an adventure, and I value my freedom! Thank you God for my incredible life!
Peace Out, G.
PS If you would like to donate to a great homeless shelter and day program for those less fortunate, here is a wonderful place that could use your support:
Hello readers, welcome to the 40th post of The Ladybug Blog! Are you struggling in the dark with all the difficult events going on in America and the world right now? I would like to offer you some hope, please read on! Today I would like to share a reflection I wrote for a church service on April 12, 2026. Unfortunately, I am quite sick right now and could not deliver this reflection in person, but a kind member of the church stepped up and delivered it for me. Thank you! Here we go:
NH Church Sunday Reflection:
It is no secret that the world is a difficult place to live in for many people currently. We are witnessing war in more than one country, and America is becoming more divided than ever along political lines. I feel that many of us are quite stressed now, and I would like to address that pain in today’s reflection. The main question that I hear in my own heart is: why does God let us carry heavy things? The answer to that is perhaps that God does not cause heavy circumstances in our lives, but instead, gives us the strength to carry them, and sometimes carries them for us. I would like to tell you two stories, one fictional, and one from real life, to illustrate this point.
First, I would like to talk about the novel The Lord of the Rings, written by J. R. R. Tolkien, which I am currently re-reading. The novel is large and is divided into 3 separate books. It has also been turned into a very successful movie series which came to theaters in the early 2000’s. Maybe you are familiar? For those of you who do not know the story, the main plot line is that there is an evil lord who creates an evil ring of gold that he pours his malice into. The ring causes lust for power, and it destroys all who bear it.
Fortunately, there are good soldiers in this fictional land who want to destroy the ring and its evil master. Frodo Baggins, who is a creature called a hobbit, travels with his best friend Sam, who is also a hobbit, through the magical land of Middle Earth on a quest to destroy the ring. Frodo is the ring bearer, and he wears it on a chain around his neck. The burden of carrying the evil ring is not easy, and Frodo suffers daily from what he describes as a feeling of “heaviness.” In addition, Frodo must try to resist the evil powers of the ring, which always tries to make its bearer want to turn towards wickedness.
At this point you may be wondering why I am telling you this fantastic tale? I believe we all deal with carrying difficult temptations to sin and turn to evil daily in this world. We must carry much that could destroy us if we let it, but thankfully we have God’s grace to guide and protect us. In the scripture reading 1 Corinthians 10:11-13, God promises that we will not be tempted beyond what we can bear. We have Jesus and the Holy Spirit to strengthen us and guide us through our lives. And, Frodo also has someone to help him, too: his best friend Sam. To finish the tale for you, at the end of the story, when hope seems lost as Frodo and Sam are struggling to complete their journey, Sam literally picks up Frodo and begins to carry him on his shoulders. Frodo can no longer go it alone, and he does not have to; Sam is there for him. The evil ring is destroyed after a long trial for both Frodo and Sam. In our lives, God is our best friend, who carries us when the difficulty of life is too great. Remember, you are never alone.
Now, I would like to share a second story which is from the daily devotional guide in The Upper Room, written by Lauren Walker. Lauren tells an honest account of her struggles growing up with her mother who was and is an alcoholic. Lauren describes how angry she was at God for allowing herself to suffer so much with an alcoholic parent. She did not have a good relationship with her mother. Finally, one day Lauren began yelling at God. As she did so, she began to feel a release, and God’s presence suddenly began to feel real to her. Lauren realized that God could handle all her feelings of hurt and pain, and that He wished for her to simply communicate more with Him. She began a practice of prayer and daily devotions with God. It was not an instant cure for the years of suffering Lauren had experienced regarding her mother, but slowly and surely, talking to God helped Lauren heal. Lauren expresses a thought for the day in The Upper Room, which is, “I can be honest with God, trusting that God will transform my heart.” Prayer and communication with God can help us to bear pain. God will change it into something that we can carry. I invite all of you to let God help you to soar on wings like eagles, and run and not grow weary, and walk and not be faint (Isaiah 40:27-31)!
In the Gospel of Matthew (Chapter 11:28-30), Jesus promises that His yoke is light. Jesus loves his sheep, which is all of us together, you and me. I encourage you to reach out to our Lord Jesus through prayer and feel the love that He has for God’s people. No matter the stress or difficulties you are carrying currently, Jesus understands, as one who has been to the cross. On Easter, we celebrated Jesus’ triumph over suffering as He rose from the dead on the third day. Let Jesus raise your hearts and help you carry your difficulties. He is faithful. The times we are living through currently are certainly requiring all of us to carry a heavy burden, but take heart, God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit will help us to live a life of love and light, even in the darkness. We do not carry our burdens alone. God bless all of you, Go in Peace. Amen.
